


Magic Misses You Too, Simon

by thrdstr



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Boys Kissing, First Time, Implied Sexual Content, Kissing, M/M, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-22
Updated: 2016-03-17
Packaged: 2018-05-22 14:23:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6082671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thrdstr/pseuds/thrdstr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A multi-chapter SnowBaz fic about things lost and things gained.<br/>Takes place almost a year after the book ends and Simon is still sore about losing his magic. Baz and Penny are there to help him through, but will it be enough?<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Warm

**Author's Note:**

> -all characters belong to Rainbow Rowell 
> 
> thanks for all the nice feedback <3

SIMON:

I’ve decided that I like hot showers. I mean, I like them more than normal; I appreciate them. It’s been almost a year since I lost my magic and since then, I’ve felt cold. It used to take me seconds to heat up. If I was aggravated or even pushed slightly, I might go off. But now there is nothing. Penny says it’s normal to feel lost, but I don’t know how she knows. She’s never had to deal with her magic disappearing. Part of me feels normal. Not Normal, just normal. It feels like I was meant to be empty this whole time. Like I was only borrowing someone else’s magic and I knew I would have to give it up eventually. But the part of my mind that was only happy with Watford and with magic, well that part is curling up on itself. That’s why I like hot showers; I’m finally warm again.  
The water hits me now and I think of all those times I took my magic for granted. I used to hate blowing up. I used to hate how I couldn’t control myself and now I would give anything to just feel it humming through my veins again. I see Baz and Penny strain to not use their magic around me and I think that bothers me more than seeing them actually cast spells. Baz says he doesn’t pity me anymore, but I know he does. Who wouldn’t pity a boy who lost his magic; who lost his life?  
I finish washing up and just stand there in the spray of water, willing it to find a home inside of my body. I just want to feel whole again. I like to think of that time I pushed my magic into Baz when he needed it. I like to believe he could do that to me just because I need it. Oh, do I need it. But Baz isn’t as powerful as I was. No mage is. To have all that power at one moment and then have it sucked out the next; I think that’s why I’m having such trouble transitioning into a real ‘Normal’ life. I talk to my therapist about this almost every session, but she just agrees with Penny. It’s normal. I try not to talk to Baz about my problems because I always hate to ruin his mood. I feel better when he is happy. I feel better when he is with me, period. I guess that’s another reason why I’m so down today and why I decided a shower was the only thing that might actually cheer me up. Baz is leaving today and he won’t be back for two weeks. Two whole weeks without him. Two whole weeks left with my own thoughts. Penny thinks it could be a good thing, but what good can come out of me stewing in a pot filled with my problems? I’d much rather be with Baz.  
Once I’ve gotten enough heat to last me a couple of hours, I shut off the water and reach out from behind the curtain for a towel. Instead of a towel though, my hand comes into contact with a bare chest.  
“I just finished unbuttoning my shirt and that’s when you decide to turn off the water?” Baz asks and his voice causes me to blush.  
“You--Y-You shouldn’t sneak up on me,” I reply, leaving my wet hand against his cold, hard chest. I peek out from behind the curtain and I see him standing there. His hair is falling all around his face and his cheeks are red; he must have fed before coming over. He looks like a beautiful statue carved out of the most expensive marble and I never want to stop looking at him.  
“If you’re just going to stare, you might as well come out from behind there,” he says, breaking my haze a little.  
I blush again because despite having been dating for almost a year, Baz has never seen me fully naked. I’ve never seen him fully naked either. I think he can read my thoughts because he grabs my towel off the hook and hands it to me, his mouth still lifted delicately into a smirk.  
“You really shouldn’t be embarrassed,” he adds, licking his lips like he is trying to get the blood flavor off of them. “I’ve got one too.”  
He knows that his words always make me flush, but when he talks about...naughty things, I feel like I might actually still have traces of magic left in me.  
I quickly wrap the towel around my waist and pull back the curtain once I know I have it secure. I step over the ledge and I must be focusing on something else because I trip and fall right into Baz’s arms.  
“Mind somewhere else, Snow?” He asks and of course, I turn red.  
I try and regain some of my composure, but when I finally feel steady on my feet, Baz looks at me like he always does. Like I’m the sun and he just wants to soak me up. Or perhaps like he wants to crash into me.  
“Bunce isn’t home,” he says and I know what he means by that. I always know what he means when he uses that tone of voice. But I don’t know if I’m ready and he senses that.  
He pulls away, keeping his hand on my elbow just to make sure I’m steady.  
“That means we can watch telly without her complaining,” I tease, trying to keep the mood light.  
He smiles, but I can tell he’s disappointed. I would do anything he wanted then; seeing the sad almost lost look on his face, but he knows that and he won’t let me do anything I don’t want to do.  
“Go get dressed, Snow,” he says with his fingers still on my elbow. “I’ll meet you out in the living room.”  
With that hanging between us, Baz is gone nearly as quick as he came. As soon as he walks through the door, I feel the air come out of my lungs. I miss him already and that’s how I know I won’t be able to stand two weeks without him. I sigh and run a hand through my sopping curls leaving the warmth of the bathroom in order to get dressed. It takes me all of five minutes to do that and with my hair still dripping, I walk into the living room and smile when I see Baz sprawled on the sofa.  
“Tired?” I ask, walking behind the couch to get a good look at his face.  
“Full belly,” he replies, slipping his hand against his bare chest. He still has his shirt unbuttoned and it takes all of my might not to lean over and kiss him right against the navel.  
“Don’t trust yourself around me?” I tease because I know he will come up with something witty to retort.  
“I always want to eat you, Snow. A full belly won’t stop me.”  
I blush so bright I’m sure he can hear the blood rushing to my cheeks. He smiles and I know he can hear it.  
“You’re being very coy today. Something on your mind?” He asks, just to be nice I think. But then again, it is a fairly new thing; him caring about me.  
“Lots of things on my mind,” I tell him, slipping around the sofa to sit by his feet.  
He pushes over slightly and reaches out to grab my sleeve, urging me to lay down with him. I oblige.  
“I don’t want you to go,” I whisper and he presses a kiss to the back of my neck. I probably have a freckle there. Baz loves my freckles.  
“I’ll be back before you know it,” he responds and I scoff. “Shush, Simon. You know I’ll call you whenever I can. And we could do that silly thing Bunce and her American do.”  
“Skyping isn’t the same as you being here,” I add and he hugs me tighter.  
“Two weeks, Simon. Two. You can survive. I promise,” he murmurs, drawing his lips against my collar.  
I stay quiet for a little while and I let the feeling of his skin against mine anchor me. That’s what Baz is to me; my anchor.  
“C-Can’t you stay the night and leave early in the morning?” I ask once I get the courage.  
“Would that make you feel better?” he inquires, his voice soft and almost sleepy.  
“You always make me feel better,” I tell him and I can feel him smile. I can even feel him flush. He must really have a full belly.  
“Then I’ll stay the night. But I have to leave by five in the morning.”  
I smile and quickly turn around, grabbing his face in my hands to kiss him sweetly.  
“But you have to tell me what is bothering you,” he says when I pull my lips away from his.  
I sigh and start to turn back around so I won’t have to look at him, but he grabs me by the waist and prevents it.  
“Simon, please,” he begs and my eyes land on his.  
I want to tell him everything I had been thinking about in the shower. How I’m never warm. How I would do anything in the world in order to get my magic back. How it hurts me to even think about Watford and everything I lost there. But I fear he would only try to protect me more. I don’t need protection, I just need magic.  
“I’m just going to miss you,” I finally tell him and I know the second the words leave my mouth that he isn’t going to believe me.  
Baz just matches my gaze and looks me over. In any other situation I would have smirked and asked him if he was enjoying the view, but right now, it’s a little intimidating.  
“Snow,” he says in a challenging tone. The hair on my arms stand up and my mouth fills with saliva. Am I really that scared to tell Baz I miss magic?  
He probably already knows how much I miss it. He watched me mope around the Bunce’s house while everything at Watford was being cleaned up. He even watched me cry when he told me he was going back to finish off second semester. But for some reason, after almost a year, it feels dirty how much I miss magic. It feels like my problem and I truly don’t want to bring him into it.  
“I re--really don’t want to pull you into it, Baz,” I say honestly, casting my eyes down to look at his collarbone. I need to focus on something else.  
“You’ve brought me into everything else in your lifetime, Snow, but now that we are together..” he begins, shaking his head like he is already done with this. Done with me. “I’m asking, Simon. I want to know what is bothering you so much. You seemed so happy yesterday, but today...Have I done something?”  
“No! Oh, god,” I reply quickly, finally looking into his sea grey eyes again. “Baz, you’ve done nothing. Don’t blame yourself,” I say those words a little choppy because it seems strange that Baz would ever blame himself. Even if it was his fault. “I-I’m--uhm--I’m just missing magic a little extra today. That’s all.”  
There, I told him. It takes every ounce of my self control not to look at him and try to guess his reply before he even speaks. I would be wrong anyway. My eyes stay steady on his collarbone and I try to think about how if I was ready for more with Baz, we could be in my room right now instead of fighting. If you’d considered this fighting. When he speaks, I feel my heart jump as if it is starting for the first time and at his words I feel utterly weightless.  
“I’m sure magic misses you too, Simon.”  
I wasn’t sure why, but I felt safe then. With the prospect of magic actually being capable of missing me, I felt hopeful for the first time that day.  
“I know Bunce says it’s normal for you to feel lost, but I think it’s expected. You were powerful, Snow. So utterly powerful and no one could get over losing that much so quickly. So you shouldn’t brood over not feeling ‘normal’,” he adds, brushing some of my damp curls out of my face. “I would find it alarming if you didn’t miss it.”  
I take a breath and keep looking at him, my eyes absently finding his lips. I want to kiss him and I suppose I could, but I want him to keep talking more.  
He knows that much and he continues. “When you helped me with the dragon back at Watford; when you pushed your magic into me, well it was then that I realized just how much power you had. I felt like I was on fire in a totally different way.”  
I’m so entranced by his words now that there is nothing in the world that could move me. When someone else talks about my magic, they always make it seem like something that had died, but Baz was talking about it like it was something that had lived; something that was so bright inside of me. He knew how it felt and of course he was the only one who could properly help me through this.  
“But, your magic didn’t make you, Snow. Your stubbornness and your fucking golden curls,” he whispers, his fingers pulling on my hair again and his eyes landing on my lips. “The way you always thought I was plotting against you, the way you plotted against me. All of those small things made you who you are right now; who you are today. Not your magic.”  
I smile then and I can feel my cheeks turn pink and my body vibrate with an immense feeling. I know then that I could possibly be ready. Ready for more with Basilton.  
“I should have come to you first,” I reply, finally breaking my silence. Baz grins.  
“I’m always right, Snow. You should have known that,” he teases and I chuckle, burying my face into his cold neck.  
I swear I can hear the blood rushing through his veins and I’m sure he can hear mine, but I never want to pull away.  
“You weren’t right in fifth year when you told me that Penny was in love with me,” I counter, speaking gently against his skin.  
I feel him swallow before he speaks and that makes my smile grow wider. “She does love you. I still stand by that,” he says and I can tell he is hold back a laugh. Or possibly a beaming grin.  
“You’re stubborn,” I retort and now he finally does laugh.  
“I can’t argue with that,” he says between little giggles.  
Right then, in his arms, I knew that I had been thinking irrationally. I knew that I should have just talked to Baz to begin with because he was the first thing to make me feel warm again. He was the first thing to ever make me feel whole.


	2. Cold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Baz's POV-  
> Ever since Simon lost his magic, Baz feels a little less connected to his boyfriend. It doesn't help that he is leaving for two weeks and all he can do is think about how much he wants him. Soon, it's like Simon is reading his thoughts. Can Simon ease Baz's tension as well as Baz's eased his?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains a slight amount of smut. So--please read CAREFULLY.

BAZ:

 

He always thinks irrationally. Especially when it comes to magic. He was never a great mage to begin with and he never knew how to really control himself, so why did I think he would be any different without his magic? Not that I want him to be different. Simon Snow is and will forever be the bane of my existence. The second I saw him from behind that damned shower curtain I knew something was wrong. Simon has been getting really good at hiding his emotions, but not from me. Never from me. That’s why it was easy to tell he was hiding something, or trying to at least. I should have expected it to be about his magic. Bunce and I have been trying to be delicate around him, well, Bunce more than me. I am under the impression that Simon doesn’t need me to tiptoe around him, but Penelope assures me that he is hurting. She would know. With her living with him, she probably sees him more often than I do. I still don’t believe hiding our magic from him is the best idea. I see his face fall when we start spelling, but it gets worse once we stop. Simon is a strong person, magic or no magic, but sometimes he needs someone. Sometimes I think he needs me. He would much rather rely on himself though and I can’t say that I blame him. I am the king of relying on myself. But it doesn’t make me feel good when he keeps things from me. That’s why I forced him to tell me what was wrong. Now, with him in my arms, I know he feels better and I can leave without feeling like I may lose him. I brush my fingers through his curls; the curls that have been haunting my dreams since I met him. I still can’t believe that I have him; that I have this.  
It’s been a year. Well, eleven months and three days since he told me he wanted to be my boyfriend. I feel like I have waited a lifetime to touch him, to kiss him, to call him mine. Sometimes I think that he struggles with the fact that he enjoys kissing boys. Sometimes I think I could help him change that. But for the most part, I just know that he is scared. I guess I’m scared too. I just want him so much, I don’t think I can wait any longer.  
He wiggles a bit in my arms and I look down at him. He really is remarkable.  
“What are you thinking about?” he asks and his voice is so soft, I don’t think he realizes how bad I’ve got it.  
“World domination,” I tease because I don’t think I’m capable of giving him the satisfaction of admitting the truth. He is the only thing I can think about.  
“Still have that ambition?” he inquires and I try to hid my grin. “Here I was beginning to think that you have gone soft.”  
“Oh, never. Never think that I’ve gone soft, Snow. That is something I am incapable of doing,” but I lie. Of course I lie. I’m soft for him. Or, well, maybe I’m hard.  
He pulls back and looks up at me, something mischievous in his eyes. “I should ask you what you’re thinking about,” I say, my gaze darting from his eyes to his lips.  
“Oh nothing in particular,” he throws back and I watch his eyes move to my lips. God, he wants to kiss me and I want to let him.  
“Just do it,” I reply, my voice soft and gentle; something I’m not used to being.  
Without much warning, he presses his mouth against mine and I feel like I may explode. His lips are so soft and I’m so weak. I feel my hands slide up his back and under his shirt and it’s like I’m outside of my own body; watching. Simon groans against my mouth, actually, properly groans! And because of that, I have to make a noise too. It comes from the pit of my stomach and through my throat and I feel like I’m exploding at that moment. His tongue slides into my mouth and I shiver. I can sense his touch before he even puts his hand against my abdomen, but once he does, his warmth takes me by surprise. It shouldn’t because we have done this many times before, but nonetheless, I wince. He starts to pull back, but I push my hands against the small of his back and he gets the hint. I don’t want him to stop, I never want him to stop. I introduce my tongue and I can hear him moan again; I don’t remember him moaning this much any other time, but it is so welcome. His fingers claw at my ribs like he is trying to bring me closer, so I indulge him and press my body up against his. It’s then that I feel how hard he is. Aleister Crowley, he’s ready. I pull back and he almost doesn’t let me, but when I push slightly against his hip, he lets me go. His lips are bright red and I can smell the blood on him. I want to bite him so badly, but I won’t hurt him. I’ll never hurt him. I take a few shaky breaths and look down at him with half-lidded eyes. “Tell me when to stop,” I say and I don’t know why those words come out of my mouth. I never want to stop.  
“Don’t,” he replies and I find my heart beating faster and faster as he presses as close as he can. “T-Take me to my room,” he adds and I nearly scream right then.  
I am too excited, too--heated to even comprehend what this means. One second we are laying on the sofa, kissing, the next; I have him in my arms, his legs are wrapped around my waist, I’m kissing his neck and his head is thrown back in ecstasy.  
And then we are on his bed. I am settled between his legs and his hands are pushing off my button down. My chest is bare in a matter of seconds and my fingers move to tug his shirt over his head. He helps me as much as he can and soon we are lying chest to chest and our lips are locked. His burning fingers trail down my sides and make a home at the waistband of my trousers and I can feel myself flush; damn blood. I hear myself moan against his mouth and then I feel him chuckle; sometimes I wish I wasn’t so expressive.  
“C-Can I?” he asks, stammering because that’s what he does.  
His lips are still against mine, but he isn’t kissing me. His fingers are on my belt and I can feel him slowly undoing it. I nod because I don’t trust myself to say anything. If I open my mouth, I would probably just moan again.  
I don’t recall him getting me out of my trousers, but soon I find myself on my back and I’m only in my pants. He is straddling my lap and I swear I could die happy.  
“You look so smug,” I say, placing my hands against his thighs. He is still very much clothed and I find that disappointing.  
“You’ve been making noises,” he tells me and I can already feel myself begin to blush. I shouldn’t have eaten so much.  
“Well, so have you, but you don’t see that smug grin on my face, do you?”  
“No, but I see the red in your cheeks and I can feel how smug you are,” he teases and I swear I’m going to bite him then.  
“How come you’re still in your jeans?” I ask, because I need a distraction. Anything to stop thinking about biting him.  
“You didn’t take them off,” he shoots back and I roll my eyes. He kisses me then and starts to rock his hips against mine. I will definitely bite him if he doesn’t stop.  
I kiss him back just as heatedly though and I find myself firmly holding his hips to mine; matching his movements. I can tell he can’t take it because he has to stop kissing me to let out a little sigh. I can also tell he is holding back so I get the strength to flip him over so I’m settled between his legs again. He groans because he knows I’ve won; or maybe he really is that into me. And here I was doubting myself.  
I keep my lips off of his, hovering over him as my fingers swiftly unbutton his jeans. He groans again and I fight the urge to lick every inch of him. I think I’m transparent because he starts to chuckle.  
“What’s so funny, Snow?” I ask, my fingertips still inside of his jeans.  
He shrugs and I want to force it out of him. I need to know what he finds so hysterical about me taking his jeans off.  
Just then a soft cough comes from behind me and I turn around so quickly, I’m sure Simon thinks it’s one of my vampire ‘powers’.  
“I didn’t think I had to knock because the door was open,” Bunce says, her arms folded across her chest.  
Simon is in a fit of giggles that probably stem from nervousness and I am just frozen. We are both nearly naked, but with my body in front of Simon’s, mine is the only one Bunce can see. And she is seeing everything.  
“I can come back when you two are--,” she begins, but thinks better of herself. She just gestures to our surroundings and then turns around, going back the way she came from.  
I deflate. My lips hurt from kissing Simon so hard and my heart is pounding. Simon’s isn’t any better, but it is like music to my ears.  
Stealing a glance at him, I see how red he is. So the laughter was from nerves; one point to Baz. I start leaning toward him, to kiss him, or comfort him, but he just smirks and shakes his head.  
“Penny is always interrupting us,” he says and I instantly remember the kiss we shared in my library.  
That was the day he told me he wanted to be my boyfriend.  
“If I recall, it wasn’t ‘Penny’ who interrupted us that day,” I say and he nods in agreement. I understand where he is getting at though. “You can always come spend the night at my place when I get back,” I offer and he blushes even more. If I weren’t so frustrated, I would have probably made a joke about how he is turning into one of his favorite scones.  
“I-I think that might be a good idea,” he replies and I feel myself get hotter.  
Even the prospect of sleeping with Snow is enough to set my blood aflame.  
“If you guys are going to keep going, please close the door,” Bunce yells from the living room where I can clearly hear her watching The Great British Bake Off.  
I look toward Simon as if hoping he won’t want to stop, but he’s made up his mind. He stands and buttons his jeans, bending at the waist to pick up his t-shirt. In a matter of seconds, he’s fully dressed and I’m still sitting on his bed in my boxer shorts. He’s also already cooled off and I’m--well... I’m not. Simon looks at me as if wondering why I’m still not dressed and then he notices and he sucks his lips into his mouth.  
“I-Le-I--can help,” he hesitates, looking at his open door and then back to me.  
I shake my head, “No, Snow. I’ll just get dressed and go home to shower. I’ll come back with my things,” I tell him. With this new plan, it actually gives us a few more hours together.  
He looks at me like it pains him to watch me leave and part of me hopes it hurts. I want him thinking about me as much as I think about him. But, that is selfish of me.  
“I-I’ll talk to Penny about boundaries,” he says and I nod, but I know he won’t and I don’t expect him to.  
Perhaps I was the one who crossed boundaries. Lately, I’ve been getting the feeling that I am the one interrupting Penelope and Simon, but I know it’s just my active imagination. I can never be happy without something going wrong and even my subconscious knows that. That, or it’s playing tricks on me. I might as well have a tiny Simon inside my head. Maybe then I wouldn’t be so cold.


	3. Confessions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Penelope's POV:  
> "Sometimes I have to remember that he won't blow up. He'll never be the boy who smells faintly of charred wood ever again. It's something I see as a blessing, but Simon sees it as a death sentence."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter came so late you guys and sorry it's so short! I'm working on the next one and hopefully will have it posted by the end of this week! LOVE YOU ALL AND THANK YOU FOR STICKING WITH THIS!

PENELOPE:

 

This is the third time I have walked in on them in the past week. Baz can’t keep his hands to himself and Simon always wants to please him. But this, this is the furthest I’ve seen them take it. Last time I caught them, they were on the couch, fully clothed and the only thing not so innocent about it was that Simon’s hand was a little too close to Baz’s trousers. This time, Baz was nearly naked. I don’t ask Simon what changed his mind about waiting especially when we sit there in a loud silence. He is picking at the hem of his shirt and keeps sighing, but I can’t muster up the self control to speak. I don’t want to say something I’ll regret. I’m taken back when Simon finally speaks.  
“H-He’s leaving,” he says and I close my eyes.  
Of course that’s why he felt the need to get this over with. For a year, Simon has been struggling with different things. Losing his magic, the fact that he enjoys kissing Baz more than he ever enjoyed kissing Agatha, and more mundane things on top of those. Maybe he decided this was something he still had in his control.  
“I t-thought you were staying at your parent’s tonight?” he asks and by the sound of his stuttering I can tell he is still nervous or rather embarrassed by the fact that I caught them.  
“I was, but the thing about moving out is that I have my own apartment and when I’m here, I don’t have to listen to my parents,” I tell him, hoping that maybe putting the focus on me will help him calm down.  
Sometimes I have to remember that he won’t blow up. He’ll never be the boy who smells faintly of charred wood ever again. It’s something that I see as a blessing, but Simon sees it as a death sentence.  
Simon just nods and I sigh. “Simon, this isn’t the first time I caught you two. You don’t have to be embarrassed,” I tell him, giving him my full attention.  
His eyes dart from his hands to the television and then to the front door like Baz is going to walk back through it at any minute.  
“I-I’m not embarrassed,” he stammers and I reel myself in. The thing about Simon is that he isn’t good with talking about his feelings. He likes to let them fester until they all explode at once. “Okay, I’m embarrassed,” he finally says and I smile, watching his cheeks turn red. “I was this close, Penny. This close,” he adds with his fingers pinched together, his nervous facade finally breaking.  
“Where you ready?” I probe him and he falters again.  
“I think I was.”  
I just look at him to see if I can sense any hesitancy in those words. It has taken Simon this long to be ready with Baz and I went and ruined it.  
“Do you think that if I didn’t walk in, you two would still be in there?” I ask, watching his blush get thicker.  
“Probably,” Simon replies with a shrug. “B-But now I’m rethinking it, you know? Because he’s leaving an-and I don’t want him to think that I’m only doing this for him.”  
He has a good point, Baz would think that, but then again, Baz doesn’t let Simon do anything he doesn’t want to do. I may have my differences with Baz, but we have one very similar interest.  
“Don’t think about it too much, Simon. If Baz thought you were only doing this because he was leaving, he wouldn’t have let you get that far,” I assure him because it’s true.  
Simon shrugs and continues his assault on t-shirt. “You know I haven’t even said the words to him,” he says all of a sudden and I look at him confused.  
“What words?” I ask, but my mind is already calculating what he is going to say.  
“I haven’t told him how I feel. That I love him,” he tells me and I can see the conviction of his words in his eyes.  
He means it.  
“You’ve been together for almost a year. Has Baz told you that he loves you?” I question, not recalling having heard the words come out of Basilton’s lips. But then again, it is something private.  
“He says it all the time, but I-I never feel like I can make him believe how much he means to me. He tells me I’m like the sun and he’s burning. He says all these beautiful things that make me want to curl up into his skin and make a home, but I never feel like my words have the same impact. When he tells me how he feels, it’s like he is reciting a spell. I can feel the magic behind them, Penny. I can feel his love spreading into me, making me whole,” he stops then and I can see his cheeks flame. He isn’t used to telling me these things and I can feel myself biting my bottom lip.  
His words right then are more beautiful than any spell I have heard. He is truly in love with Tyrannus Basilton Pitch and if I had doubted it before, I didn’t now. I just wish Baz could have been here to have heard his words. His confession of love.


	4. Trust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Baz's POV  
> "I don't have control, I know that. I'm a monster and I am not subjecting Snow to that. I won't bite him. I will never bite him."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, thank you guys for reading and sticking with this! This is the last chapter of the week and I'm hoping I will still be in this writing kick so I can post a chapter by next week, but I can't promise anything! I love you guys lots and I hope you enjoy!

BAZ:

I should stop eavesdropping, but I can’t. I hear the way Simon is struggling with explaining our situation to Penny and I can’t blame him for wanting some--what?--advice? When he speaks again, this time he is telling Bunce how I explain my feelings. But he doesn’t stop there. Simon says I make him feel whole. That’s when I pull away. I shouldn’t be eavesdropping. I am still sitting there in the hall when I hear Penelope get up and start the kettle and I can’t seem to get my feet moving. I should be back in my apartment, getting my things so I can sleep here with Snow. But his words hit me.  
Just moments ago I was thinking about how I feel like the outsider among Snow and Bunce, but now I realize that our dynamic has just changed. I’m no longer the boy who Simon was weary around. I’m his boyfriend. His lover. And he now needs someone to try and help him sort out these feelings. It’s not like I have been waiting around for him to tell me how he feels. I know how he feels. I can tell by the way his heart beats wildly in his chest whenever I am around. Or the way he clings to me when we nap together. I don’t need words to affirm his love for me. But maybe I have put it in his head that I do.  
I constantly tell Simon how I feel because for me it is hard to keep my feeling inside. Only with Snow though. I have kept my true feelings hidden from him for too long, I’m not going to keep that up any longer. Simon on the other hand, loves to let his feelings bubble up inside him and then come spilling out in some extravagant way. Usually it ends with him holding back tears and either Bunce or me putting him back together. He’ll eventually get to where I am now and let all his feelings out the exact moment he feels them, but I am not waiting for that.  
His love is something I already know I have. His words will confirm it, but nothing else. But then again, when he said that I made him feel whole, a little part of me felt like it was about to burst. After a few more minutes of listening, or rather thinking, I get up and I head out into the London air, Snow’s words sticking with me all the way to my flat.  
\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
It’s dark when I get back to Simon’s apartment and when I open the door, I find him alone on the couch. His head is against the arm and his eyes momentarily drift to me. He smiles and I feel my heart flutter.  
“You were gone a long time,” he whispers, his voice sounding strained.  
He’s tired.  
I place my bags down by the side of the door and then slide onto the sofa with him. He automatically cuddles into my side. I have to stop myself from kissing him.  
“I forgot to pack a few things,” I tell him and he sighs, part of him relaxing just from those words.  
We stay like that for a few minutes and I can feel his breathing slow as his eyes flutter closed. I brush my long fingers through his golden curls and he sighs again. Sleepy Snow is one of my favorite Snows.  
“Why didn’t you just go to bed?” I ask, my voice quite just in case he is asleep.  
He shrugs and pushes his face further into my neck making me shiver. “I wanted to wait for you,” he tells me and his lips tickle my throat.  
I feel my blood turn to fire as his breath caresses my already overly sensitive skin. “Is Bunce in bed?” I ask, trying to keep my mind off the fact that he is now kissing my collarbone.  
“She’s been asleep for a while,” he replies and I feel each of his words bounce off of my adam’s apple.  
I swallow hard and close my eyes. One of us has to be the rational one, right?  
“Let’s get some sleep, Snow. I have an early morning tomorrow,” I say and I can sense his lips curving downward.  
“R-Right, yeah,” he shrugs, pulling away from me like my words physically hurt him.  
I watch as he stands from the couch and stretches a little, showing off a thin stripe of his bare stomach. I have to physically restrain myself from standing up and biting into his hip. Perhaps I should have fed a little before I came back, but it’s too late for that.  
“You coming?” He asks, his voice so slow and cute, almost as if he is talking underwater.  
I stand with him and pull him into my chest, kissing the back of his head. I can hear his smile and the way his heart starts pounding. He’s still thinking about earlier and honestly, so am I.  
I let him lead me back to his room and once he has the door closed, I feel his hands on my back.  
“I talked to Penny,” he says softly as he drags his fingers around me until he is facing me.  
“And? What did she say? That she’d stop purposefully walking in on us when we are in flagrante delicto?”  
Simon laughs and the noise itself makes me smile. Damn Snow for making me smile. “We didn’t really talk about that,” he tells me and I lift my brow.  
I know what they were talking about, but I have to feigned innocence. If I tell him that I heard, I risk never hearing the words. And despite my original beliefs, I find myself needing this; needing the vocal affirmation of his love for me.  
“What were you talking about?” I ask, watching his face change in the dark of his room. I bet he can’t see me, but I can see him. Another one of my vampire ‘powers’.  
Snow blushes and I don’t have to see that. I can smell it. I lick my lips and try desperately not to think about it.  
“S-She asked me if I was ready. She s-saw how far we got,” he hesitates, biting his bottom lip. “I told her I was.”  
I don’t gasp, or laugh, I just stand there and look at him in the pitch blackness. I know he was ready. So was I, but why is he telling me this now?  
“I-I just don’t want you thinking that I’m just doing this because you’re leaving tomorrow,” he explains and I already know this because I heard.  
I heard everything.  
“Simon,” I whisper and I listen as he sighs. “If it weren’t for Bunce, we might have…” I let the words hang in the air because I don’t know if I can muster up the strength to say them. “And trust me. I want you. I’ve wanted you since before I can remember, but I don’t think tonight is the right time.”  
I search his face and hope that I haven’t broken him. I would hate to be the reason for Simon’s sadness. I want to be his light.  
What I see etched onto his chiseled features isn’t hate or sadness, it looks almost like relief.  
“I was going to say the same thing,” he tells me and his face curves upward into a smile.  
This time I can’t resist and I kiss him softly, my hands resting on his lower back; urging him against my chest.  
He doesn’t open his mouth or beg for more, he just lets me kiss him chastely in the darkness and comfort of his room.  
When I pull back I can smell his blood even more and I feel my fangs scratch my gums.  
I think he can sense my discomfort because he pulls further away and gives me my space.  
“D-Do you need to feed?” He asks, but it’s obvious.  
I’m certain that my mouth looks as if I have marshmallows stuffed to the brim in there and the thought almost brings a smile to my face. Almost.  
“Baz,” Simon whispers, walking a little closer to me, but I shake my head and he stops.  
“I-I’ll just go feed and come back,” I stammer and curse myself. When have I ever stammered?  
Simon shakes his head like he isn’t accepting this suggestion, but what choice do I have? I am not feeding from him.  
“Baz, ju-just,” he tries to offer, but I shake my head again and this time I read hurt on his face.  
But doesn’t he understand that if I bite him, I would be hurt? I don’t have control, I know that. I’m a monster and I am not subjecting Snow to that. I won’t bite him. I will never bite him.  
“Baz! Listen to me,” he shouts and I actually falter.  
Simon hasn’t raised his voice at me for a long time. I may have missed this side of him and I may be happy to see it returned, but not in the moment. Not with a hunger clawing at my stomach.  
“I-I want to help you. I don’t want you to leave again when this is something I can help you with,” Simon tells me, his voice soft and gentle.  
Just like that he is back to normal. But I can’t listen to what he is saying.  
I take a deep breath and close my eyes, trying to curb my hunger like I taught myself all those years ago.  
I won’t bite him. I will never bite him.  
“You can’t help me with this, Simon. I won’t allow it,” I tell him, ending the conversation with another shake of my head.  
I won’t bite him. I will never bite him.  
He stands there in front of me and I think I see him wipe his fingers underneath his eyes. His chest is rising and falling softly and I’m licking my lips.  
“Please, Baz.”  
His voice is like a prayer, but I hear no crack. I hear no weakness behind the words despite their nature. He wants to give this to me, but I’m not willing to take it. He wants to help, but I’m hurting him. I’m breaking him.  
Why didn’t I just feed before I came?  
I tentatively take a step forward and then another, another, until I’m in front of him. I loom over him and I can’t help but take heavy breaths.  
“I don’t trust myself,” I say, breaking the thick silence that sits between us.  
“But I trust you. I trust you enough for the both of us.”  
His words hang heavy in the air as my eyes dart from the vein in his neck to his trembling lips.  
With one little bend of his neck, Simon is giving himself over to be and my heart races.  
He trusts me.  
I have to trust myself.  
My tongue darts out and I wet my lips.  
I move closer so my nose is brushing his earlobe and his heart is pounding.  
My mouth opens around my fangs and I hear him sigh as if he is content.  
Then, I bite into his neck.


End file.
